Hours after my last post, due to multiple unmistakable symptoms I won’t bore you with, I took a pregnancy test.

It was positive.

Ok, all six of them were.

At the time we were literally on our way out the door to see our M+F therapist, Ellen. Given this shocking development, we had an excellent, though unexpected, session with her. We thought we’d be talking purely about grieving the loss of Addison. We did, and we also talked – cautiously – about the possibility of a new pregnancy. It was a good session.

We were…cautiously elated?

I saw my OB the next day for a follow up visit and gave her the news. They tested my hCG and it was right where it should be at 3.5 weeks. I went in again two days later for another beta test, and we got the phone call on Tuesday that it had dropped. This is a sign that you’re going to miscarry. Sure enough, the next day, at 4 weeks 3 days, it started.

We’re actually doing ok this time. I honestly had a feeling this wasn’t going to be our baby and didn’t get my hopes up or let myself get attached. I feel disappointed – and frustrated more than anything.

Ok, so we know we can get pregnant, seemingly any time we want. Now we need to see if we can find out why we can’t stay pregnant. I’m really hoping it’s something simple like a hormone level that needs to be adjusted. We have an appointment with my OB next Wednesday to get a referral to a fertility doctor.

I do have a good feeling about this overall though, and I see a baby (or two) in our future.

by Hugh MacLeod

I think I’m doing better. Todd said he thinks so too. I’m starting to feel better…enjoying the little things in life again.

Yesterday afternoon the weather was really beautiful; cooler, breezy, with very low humidity, and Todd suggested that we move our work outside. We took our computers out on the patio and worked out there until it was time to start dinner. We had the house open and music playing. It was really, really nice. We had so much fun. I made spaghetti casserole and we ate our dinner out on the patio under the stars.

We really needed that.

Last Friday I had a really, really, really bad day…therefore Todd had a really, really, really bad day, too. We got through it (thanks to him) and I realized how much what’s going on with me affects him. I also realized that I NEED to get better…if not for me, then for him. So I promised him I would.

We have counseling today with our M+F therapist and I really have no idea where that will go. We do have some questions for her…specifically around getting pregnant again. I know Todd wants to try again, and on some level I do too, though it TERRIFIES me. I feel like if I learn that I’m pregnant again I’m going to be so paralyzed with fear that I’ll do nothing but cry all the time.

Everyone says we should try again; that we’ll make great parents. I do know that Todd would make an amazing father.

It’s just so hard – exhausting, actually – to go from a relatively carefree, childless existence – to mommy-mode – to childless again…and so to think about going BACK in to mommy-mode…it sounds completely overwhelming to me right now. But, I’ll be 42 in a couple of weeks, so if we’re going to do this, we really don’t have time to think about it.

Everything’s just been such a whirlwind these past few months. So many good things…and then this huge, horrifying loss right in the middle of it all.

I’m having a particularly difficult time today. The intensity of the pain has rebounded and it is so overwhelmingly unbearable, just like in those first few days after we lost Addison.

It’s hard to explain what it feels like. My heart physically aches. I never knew it was possible to feel emotional pain physically, but I do. And I desperately need some relief from this pain, and I don’t have any idea how to find it.

Somehow, though, I am going to have to find a way to climb out of this hellhole I’m so lost in because apparently the world – life – is going to go on, whether I want it to or not.

And, I need to do it for Todd. For #us. I promised him that I would.

I feel so broken…and beyond repair. My heart goes from hurting to feeling like it’s been ripped out and it isn’t even there anymore. And then I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m not strong enough to handle this. I mean, millions of women have miscarriages and are walking around in the world, just fine.

Todd reminded me that we know that they’re not fine…and that, anyway, the only thing that matters is how WE are handling and working through this.

There is no possible way I would be getting through this without him.

Today I started reading a book called Good Grief that our therapist gave us to read. It starts out talking about how we refer to someone’s death as “losing” them. It says that within the concept of being “lost” is the feeling of being alone. “Are we saying “I have lost” and really meaning “I am lost?” When we are attached to someone or something and we become unattached, we lose our sense of connectedness; of knowing our place is in the world.”

That is exactly how I feel. Lost, and unsure of what my place in this world is now.

I read somewhere today that miscarriage is not only the loss of a baby, but also the loss of motherhood. I hadn’t really thought of it that way before.

Today I had the first session I’ve had with my therapist since we learned that we had lost Addison.

The last time I saw her was the day before that horrible day…when our world was still overflowing with so much joy. I remember walking in to her office that day, wearing maternity jeans for the very first time. She remarked, “You’re starting to look pregnant!” I was so, so happy (even though I was so, so sick…) I remember that I was drinking a La Croix water and she told me that that had helped her with her morning sickness, too.

I spent an hour and a half with Veronica today, and I cried a lot of the time…and I know I needed that. I’ve been feeling really weepy the last couple of days and I don’t know why but I’ve been trying to hold back the tears.

I know you’re not supposed to do that. Our couples’ counselor, Ellen, told us in our first session with her after we lost Addie that grieving is healing…and that in order to heal, you have to feel the pain, and when you are grieving, you are healing. “The only way is through it,” she said. There are no shortcuts…there are no ways around the grief. You have to feel it and live it and allow yourself to fully go through the process…and it’s different for everyone.

Veronica said she has a similar saying, “You have to feel to heal.”

We talked about those first few days…once I’d come out of the fog of having the first surgery…when I was in more emotional pain than I have ever felt – or even imagined possible – in my life.

I truly believe that Todd saved my life. He may not even be aware of it.

The pain was so overwhelming, so consuming, and so absolutely unbearable, that I had absolutely NO desire to live. Not another second. Every moment I was here, that I was present, was absolute torture.

The only reason I continued to subject myself to it by continuing to be alive, was Todd. I knew he was already destroyed and I could not put him through that.

Not to mention that he never left my side those first days…

I do believe that if he hadn’t been here, I probably wouldn’t be here now.

Veronica says we’re doing all the right things in order to heal and move forward. Talking to professionals who can help us, spending time with family, leaning in to each other, loving and supporting each other, and allowing ourselves and each other to grieve and feel; each in our own ways, in our own time.

She, too, felt that it was important that we gave Addison a name. She, too, said that she was real, she was with us for 11 weeks, and that we have learned and will learn from her.

We talked about how Addie has changed me. She’s changed me in a lot of ways.

So few things seem important now. The only things I really care about are Todd, our family, our relationships with our friends – and our dog Jake, of course. Everything else is trivial and really of no importance to me anymore.

We talked about how I feel closer than ever now to Todd. She said of course…you’ve been through an overwhelming loss together…and now you’re healing together.

It’s so hard to explain how it feels to have been pregnant, and now to not be pregnant…and to not have a baby. Never in a million years did I imagine that when I was no longer pregnant I would not have my baby. We talked a lot about the emptiness that losing your baby creates…physically as well as emotionally.

I would not wish this pain on anyone.

But I know that somehow I have to get through it, and I know I have to move forward. And I know that Addison will forever be a part of our lives.